3/10/25 - Breaking Point?

It’s 5:50PM on Monday.  I am drenched and cold but it feels oddly good and right to be drenched and cold.  I walked back to the boat after walking in the rain because Steve said there was a weather warning saying to seek shelter.  So….here I am sitting on the steps of our companionway so I don’t get the rest of the boat wet.

Rage.  Absolute rage and frustration and grief.  Again….we are all safe and healthy and warm.  Thank God.

But so much rage. 

I had to leave a work meeting when Steve told me (sorry, John).  My brain couldn’t even comprehend what Steve was saying.  I had to call the engine place myself and talk to the guy—twice—just to wrap my head around it. I will share more details later (you won’t believe it) but the gist of it is………….

….we don’t know when the engine will be fixed.  The new estimate is 2-4 weeks.

Two to four weeks.  I feel sick.

I had so much negative energy that desperately needed to get out.  After talking to the kids and seeing what they wanted/needed and making sure they were set, I screamed into a pillow.  And then Steve and I went for a walk.  I threw rocks.  I banged the ground with a big stick.  I kicked a fence.  Repeatedly. I kicked a pole.  Then Steve walked back to the boat because he wanted to check on the kids.  I said goodbye to him and kept walking.  I screamed like a crazy person into the rain.  I bawled my eyes out.  I left a pitiful Marco Polo video message for some friends.  I sat on the ground and just cried.  This is NOT how it was supposed to go.  We spent four years preparing for this and we haven’t even put up the damned sails as a family…! 

So tired of this.  What is happening feels other-worldly.  As I’ve heard so many times (!) in the last few months….you couldn’t make this up.  A very quiet and discouraged-like-I’ve-never-seen him Steve said something to me like if “I believed in signs from the Universe, I would say that something is trying to tell us something.”

To self:  We are safe.  We are healthy.  We are warm.  We are well-fed.  We have people who love us.  We have each other.  We are not in a war zone.  We have jobs…

I was so proud of us this weekend.  I still am.  We bounced back this weekend in such a strong and incredible way.  I was in the middle of a blog post about it and sometime soon I’ll share what we did.   I was so sure that we were in the midst of our big turnaround….and maybe we still are but, my gosh, this is ridiculous….

I’m trying to put things in perspective.  No one is dying.  I have talked to friends in the last few days who are going through some truly life and death situations.  We don’t have those.  We have an engine issue.  We are okay…..we are okay…..we are okay.  Tomorrow will be brighter.  Right now, it’s dark in the saloon, it’s blowing 25-30 knots and it’s raining.  It’s dark and it feels dark.

I just can’t believe this is happening.

The spot where I let out my crazy and screamed at the rain.

Okay….actually….writing all of this out is cathartic.  I’ve calmed down enough to write about what happened.

*********

As you may know, we were waiting on an engine part.  Initially, the incorrect part was ordered by our engine company.  Steve ordered the correct part from a company in England and it miraculously arrived last Monday. Last Tuesday, when we called to see when the engine company was coming to fix the part (expecting them to come the next morning), we learned that our engine company needed to order a special tool (!) to fix this particular part.  They told us that they were waiting on it but that it should arrive shortly.  We called a few days later.  They then said that they were looking for a tracking number for this part.  The guy told me on Friday that they had a tracking number and it was supposed to arrive first thing on Monday (today).  Yes!  He said that as soon as they had the tool in their hands, he would dispatch the special engine mechanic that we need (David) and he would drive 2.5 hours to get here and fix the engine.  Great.  We are almost there!!!!

*****

At 3:30 today, Steve called the engine company because we hadn’t heard from them and they had promised to call or even just send someone to get things going.  I was in a meeting.  When Steve got off of the phone, he told me that apparently, Perkins, the engine manufacturer, has redone their catalogue system and the tool that our engine fixing company ordered no longer matches the Perkins system and so now we don’t even know what tool we are trying to order.

(For the record, I want to write the last part of that last sentence in all caps because that’s how I feel right now but I don’t have the energy to change it.)

Yelling at people is not going to do any good.  I believe that all of the engine people are doing the best they can.  Call me naïve, but I really do.  That said, I did call a bunch of other places to see if they had tools/parts/people to fix it.  The short answer is….no.  We’re stuck.  There is no one else.

When I called our contact at the engine fixing company, I asked him to shoot me straight.  How long is this going to be?  We are trying to plan our lives and each day that we are here in Southport is a day we are not only paying marina fees for but also that we are missing out on being in the Bahamas.  Our window to get there is rapidly closing.  He apologized profusely and said that he’s not going to sugarcoat it—it could be anywhere from 2-4 weeks.

*******

I am a woman of action.  I don’t sit still well at all.  I told Steve “I know that we need to sit and be still and that is what we are going to do today.  I know that is the right thing to do and that is what we will do.  But….I want to buy plane tickets, I want to go get our car in St. Louis and drive, I want to look up Wanna Get Away Flights, flights to the Bahamas….something.  I want to move!

*deep breath* And we will move.  Today, right now, is a time for feeling these feelings.  We might make plans tomorrow but right now, we just need to face this situation and feel it.

Sidebar - Over the weekend, Steve and I did make some plans for Addie’s birthday.  We plan to do something we know she will like.  She doesn’t know any of this so please don’t mention anything if you talk to her.

At this moment though, I’m just spinning in place.  What’s our next move?  Are we done?  Judging by Steve’s face and tone, he’s done.  I don’t know where I am.  Addie and Sid are processing it in their own ways. 

Tomorrow is another day.  Who knows.

It’s dinnertime and the boat is moving a lot because of the wind.  Time to figure out dinner.

And oh great….I just got an email from our property management company.  They sent us the wrong amount for our rent. 

Again. 

It is pouring down rain with thunder and lightening. Just lost the internet.  I’m sure our hatches are leaking somewhere.  Steve just put his head in his hands.