“So….you know what I’m like normally, right? Ya know, ‘normal Mom?’ That’s the ‘control’ part of this experiment…” I said this to two cackling kids, brimming with anticipation. “This is what happens when you add a lot of alcohol. But remember—I’m in the presence of a responsible adult—nod to Steve—and I’m not going to drive anywhere. And I’m having the second one with food which will help absorb the alcohol...”

“Science!” Addie giggled.

“And Social Studies,” added Steve.

*****

Friends, it’s 8:28pm and we have lived what feels like an entire year in a few short days. Full disclosure: I have had two “painkillers” at Smacknally’s in our new boatyard, served to me by our perfect bartender, Joe.

There’s so much to tell you. So much. Where, oh where, to start? Argh…I’ve never been good at making a long story short. I excel at making long stories longer. Buckle up.

Rundown:

· Thursday = We were down. Not sure when engine is going to be fixed. Life sucks.

· Friday = We rallied like you wouldn’t believe. Sooo (!) proud of us!

· Saturday = We’re turning it around, baby! Break out the ukuleles! We got this! Go Team Swift!

· Sunday = Oh yeah, our engine is going to be fixed this week and we’re cooking up some fun plans for Addie’s birthday! Bahamas here we come! Booyah!

· Monday = We hate life. Let’s scream into the rain like crazy privileged white people in some dramatic movie with lightening and thunder and dripping hair and clothes.

· Tuesday = We will begrudgingly push through our disappointment by making plans that bring us joy.

· Wednesday (today) = We will move to a new boatyard via a tow boat and feel encouraged by our time on the water. Then we’ll call our engine fixing (engine fixing? Not so sure…) company and plunge into a deepest-level-yet game of “what-do-we-do-with-our-lives?” Then let’s leave our children on the boat so the grown-ups can have a drink and have some serious discussion time.

That’s the super short version. If you wanted the quick version, stop reading here. If you want all the gory details (oh, I dare you!) then continue reading. Warning: It is LONG!

Stage directions: Enter two mischievously smiling, they-know-something kids after Steve went to meet them at the boatyard gate, about 50 feet away from the bar/restaurant entrance.

Mom: “Hi! What did Dad tell you?”

Addie: “Dad said ‘Mom had a ‘painkiller’ and when she has another one with dinner she’s going to pass out.’”

Fair. Oh, but here I am writing. Bam. 😊

Let me back up. You already know the part when I released my crazy and yelled at the rain. Gosh, I was so raw, so gutted….

But Friday…let me tell you about FRIDAY (May I suggest you grab a snack at this point?). Friday….

We had bounced back! We made Friday our turnaround day. While Steve worked in the morning, I talked to the kids about what we could do to acknowledge what we had been through over the last few months and turn the page. I suggested a reflection activity where we write down a list of all of the setbacks we have faced and then symbolically let them go somehow.

Both kids responded quickly and enthusiastically with “that’s a great idea, Mom! All of your ideas are always so good! How on earth do you come up with such brilliance and wisdom? Thank you for this wonderful suggestion! Let’s try some new vegetables tonight, too!”

Ha. I wish. They were not excited.

“NOOOOOOOOO!” they whined together. “That sounds awful!” But then they thought about for a minute and Addie suddenly jumped up and said “wait….we could write them all down, act them out and play charades with them!”

Brilliant. For the record, Sid said that that was what he was thinking, too, but he couldn’t remember the word “charades.” *chuckle* The irony.

So….that’s what we did. We made Friday our comeback day. The four of us ate donuts. We played video games as a family. We went to the local cheese shop and tried some new cheeses and then brought them back to the boat where we started the festivities.

I cut up a bunch of slips of paper. Each of us grabbed a stack and started writing. We had so much to write that we ran out of slips of paper. I made more slips and we kept writing. We ran out again and again I made more.

We ended up with 115 slips of paper.

*We just kept writing and writing and writing.*

One hundred and fifteen incidents of ‘things-gone-wrong’ since December 6th (Happy anniversary, Steve!) that we had to overcome.

These were not ‘I-bumped-my-elbow-and-it-hurt-but-it-will-go-away’ items. These were “something-has-gone-wrong-and-it-is-going-to-take-some-serious-time-and-energy-to-fix-it’ items. Some highlights in chronological order:

When Steve hit a deer in my car on our very first day in New Bern, NC.
When we travelled back to our house for the holidays arriving at 2am to discover that the property management company had given our couch away—one we had planned to sleep on during our two week stay.
When we woke up in our house the next morning to discover that the walls had been painted by an uncoordinated two-year-old and it took three days of painting (including New Year’s Day) from an entirely different contractor (and a lot of cash!) to fix.
When we had repeated, gut-wrenching and seemingly never-ending goodbyes with friends and family due to weather delays caused by the holiday snow and ice storms. “Goodbye! We’ll miss you! We won’t see you for a long time and we’re so sad about it……….just kidding! We’re snowed in and still here! See you tomorrow! Well, maybe…? Okay, for real….this is so hard…goodbye! Goodbye….. Just kidding! There is ice all along our route back to NC and we’re still here in STL! See you tomorrow…maybe…maybe not…! Goodbye! Nope still here…. Probably leave tomorrow. This is for real. Nope….Goodbye! See you tomorrow…”
When we were FINALLY (!) on our way back to New Bern after the holidays and got a flat tire in our second (yup, second) rental car. After waiting an hour and a half we were rescued by AAA. Back on the road………until……..!

*When life gives you lemons…. Playing Cornhole on side of highway waiting for AAA. Yup….we had to unload ALL of our stuff to get to the spare tire.*

……..We discovered the SPARE tire on the (2nd) rental car was ALSO losing air. Are you kidding me???? Where is the nearest gas station for an air compressor? We drove slowly and ultimately made it to a gas station. Three different people—including the gas station manager—tried to fill the spare tire. We all determined that there was a puncture in the spare tire. Cue: Lots of calls to Enterprise. As instructed, we drove to the nearest Enterprise dealer as mentally prepared as we could be to transfer—with all of our stuff—into yet another vehicle (Rental car #3!). Apparently, the air compressor at the gas station must not have been working. Thankfully, we didn’t need to transfer vehicles again.

When we finally got OUR car back after 35 days (yes, 35 days!!!! WHAT?!?!) in the shop. Addie and I sat in our very own car, had a quiet moment of “Ahhhhh…we are finally in OUR car again…this feels soooo good” and discovered immediately upon starting the engine that the car’s lock/unlock buttons were LOUDLY and VERY RAPIDLY(!) clicking ONOFFONOFFONOFFONOFF(!!!!!) over and over and didn’t stop until I turned off the ignition. This happened JUST AFTER (I swear I’m not making this up) I told my months-long contact at the Toyota dealer that it wouldn’t surprise me at all if, when I turned the key, the car spontaneously combusted. She couldn’t believe it when we walked back in and I told her what happened. Or when the car mechanic checked it and came back 20 minutes later and sheepishly told me we needed to order a new part for the car and it would likely take a few weeks. I couldn’t even process the information. (Addie: “But Mom, what does that mean? Does that mean we’re delayed AGAIN? Will insurance cover it since you already asked them for an extension for our last rental? Will we still be able to sell the car in a few days?” Me: “Addie, I can’t talk right now…I just need to think…”) When the mechanic went back to check ‘one more thing’ and said it was a miracle and there had been a loose screw and somehow he found it (Thank you, Jesus!!) and that he’d never seen anything like it in his 20+ years of being a mechanic, I had tears streaming down my face. He had initially refused my offer of a hug but after a minute, he looked at me with pity and laughed and said “oh what the heck, why not,” and gave me a big hug.” (Even for MY standards, I have hugged an insane amount of strangers in the last few months.)
When US Customs wouldn’t allow our engine part to be delivered (see previous post).

Two syllables. Second syllable. “Fort.” When we were in “Beaufort” and our electrical cords didn’t work and Dad, Captain Jeremy and Captain Blaine spent the day trying to fix it. We bought a lot of items that day only to discover later that the problem was with the pedestal at the dock!

When I swore there was a toxic gas that was leaking somewhere in our boat. After a full day’s search for this very scary and insanely intense smell by our family, boat neighbors, the dockmaster in New Bern, etc. we ultimately discovered that it was a random, forgotten bottle of frankincense essential oil (oy!) that I randomly purchased months ago on the advice of a friend. I had used it once and it had somehow (???) made its way onto the boat and leaked. Without going into too much detail, it leaked in a way that made it very difficult for us to identify the smell’s location (oh heck, here it is: it auspiciously leaked into a bunch of maxi pads in an opaque toiletry bag—there was no leakage!) and in our search for the “toxic gas” we discovered not only that our holding tank vent was clogged but also that our dinghy was leaking. This was one of the days when I was certain that Steve was going to absolutely lose his mind and set fire to the boat.
When the Chevy dealership made the mailed check for the purchase of my car out to “Holly and Donald Swift” (Donald??? Seriously? Did you even read the title? And of all the names to pick right now, don’t you dare pair me with a Donald!) after already delaying an in-store payment to us by explaining that they needed my brother in St. Louis to sign paperwork in front of a notary (???) because he was the “TOD” (Transfer on Death) recipient. Update: After five weeks and many, many phone calls, I finally have a check I can cash.

*Fun family game. Two words. Second word: “Charades.” First word. Sounds like “pit.” PS - Sid calls this his “creepy smile.”*

That was Friday. We acted out ALL 115 items of disappointment and frustration. And we LAUGHED! We laughed hard! Sid’s acting out of ‘engine exhaust elbow break’ was performed as only a 12-year-old boy could (he excelled on “exhaust”). We talked about how even though those incidents felt crushing at the time, we can laugh at them now. And we moved on. And we felt great. The weekend followed and we were riding high!

*Weekend fun: Feeling good on Saturday morning - break out the ukuleles!*

*Playing games on Jon and Claire’s boat.*

*Hanging out with Claire and Jon (the kids were walking their dog, Bailey).*

*We played the game we made up a few weeks ago: V-Hennis (Pronounced Vuh-HENNIS). Combination of volleyball, handball and tennis.*

The weekend was great. And then Monday happened and I screamed into the rain. You know that part.

After I screamed into the rain, we ordered pizza and Steve and I outlined to the kids the difference between having dessert and eating our feelings:

Having dessert = healthy = eating a single chocolate lava cake serving
Eating our feelings = unhealthy = eating 12 donuts at once.

By 9:00am the next morning, I had already booked an AirBnb. It’s a surprise so I can’t say where we’re going. But….we told the kids and they were pumped.

Fast forward to today. Oh, today….

(By the way, are you really still reading this? OMG, PLEASE (!!!) take a break. This is LOOOONG!)

*****

Today…

We made the decision yesterday to move to a boatyard. Our thinking? There is work to be done. We don’t want to waste any more time. Let’s move the boat to a place where all of the work can be done, not just the engine work. So we did.

*Sid and Addie hanging out on the bow. The second time in four months that our boat has been in motion.*

We were towed. It felt great to be on the water, even if we were being dragged behind another boat. After our tow, I made a phone call to our engine fixing company. Nothing has changed. They are no further along in obtaining the parts needed to fix our engine than they were two weeks ago. I wasn’t even surprised or upset. I was numb. For a few minutes at least.

I then made several calls. One to our trusted boat broker, Clint: “If we spent a ga-gillion dollars on a brand new engine, would that drastically increase the resale value of the boat? Essentially, would we eventually get it back or would that money be lost forever?” And then a call to another engine guy who came highly recommended by a friend: “how much would it cost and how long would it take to get a brand new engine?”

Well, friends….I didn’t like any of the answers I got. And that’s when I dragged Steve to the bar next to the boatyard. And we had a very serious “when-we-are-old-and-gray-we-will-remember-this-moment” talk. Here are the highlights (pre-Painkillers):

We agreed that we are bleeding large amounts of money and time on engine issues. It is incredibly difficult to fix our engine and every time there is an issue, it takes weeks of time and thousands of dollars and mountains of frustration.
We agreed that if we consider a new engine it means that we are essentially agreeing to continue boat life for quite a while longer to make the investment worthwhile.
We agreed that the kids need to be around other kids and that that is not happening right now. It should/would have happened had we made it to the Bahamas and it could/should happen as ‘kid boats’ move north after July 1st for insurance purposes.

I then asked Steve where his head was.

Steve: Discouraged: “I am struggling to find enthusiasm.”

*Pause*

I laughed and cried at the same time. Me: “But I’m enthusiasm in human form.”

He chuckled. “Really?” (I can’t blame him. Below is what I looked like.)

*Enthusiasm in human form. (Folks, this is as vulnerable as it gets. I mean, who puts a photo of themselves looking like this on the internet?!?? Oy!)*

We talked about how we needed to check in with the kids. When they arrived (post-Painkiller warning), we asked them a series of questions to take their proverbial temperatures on where they are. “If it takes two years…if it takes two days….two months….if it takes six months….six days….” We now know where each of us stands. There are no clear answers.

*sigh* Double or nothing. That’s what it feels like. If we quit now, we’ll likely be left with regrets and wonders that will haunt us for a long, long time. If we continue, we could end up as absolute fools who gambled away a fortune on a dream that never materialized. Or maybe our engine will miraculously be fixed. Somehow.

My friend, Kalen, called at a very serious moment in our discussion. I gave her very little context. “Kalen…double or nothing.” She thought for a moment.

“Double down. Go big.”

*Deep breath* We’ll see, my friends. We’ll see. We’re going to jump off the boat for a while and get out of town. Hopefully, we’ll find some answers and perspective.

Time to drink some water and go to bed. It’s late.

Onwards. But to where to? We truly—TRULY—have no idea.

(Did you actually read all of this? Sheesh! I’m exhausted FOR you! 😊)

3/12/25 - Double or Nothing? (Warning: LONG post.)

3/10/25 - Breaking Point?