2/20/25 - The Day After

It’s 6:32AM on Thursday. I woke up because I heard Jeremy making coffee.

**I was just holding Jeremy’s hand super tight for a few minutes. I won’t go into the details because it’s not my story to tell, but he just did something super brave (for love) and I’m so honored I can be here during this moment-by-moment unfolding of his story. I “lit” a candle and now we are anxiously waiting.**

In the midst of this super vulnerable, almost sacred moment, Jeremy brought up the farewell note that Addie left him to find before he left this morning. She knew she would be sleeping when he left and she wrote him a heart-melting note like only she can write. Before Jeremy went to bed, she gave him a yarn bracelet that she had made with her spool-knitter (that her Uncle Adam had made for HER). He told her he would never take it off. This morning he was looking at the bracelet and said that he needs to find a clasp so he actually can take it off when he does work so it doesn’t break accidentally. I can tell that it is truly meaningful to him. He told me that when he read her note this morning, words just kept coming into his head and he plans to write her a song. Jeremy is planning on giving up boat deliveries next year to pursue music. He has a great voice and is quite a good guitar player. Regardless of his future music career or his luck in love, he has undeniably made a lasting mark on our hearts and we are so grateful to have had him in our lives, even for a brief time.

Addie giving Jeremy the bracelet she made for him.

******

I slept (!) last night. Better than I have in a long time. This blog is therapeutic to me (thank you, dear reader, for indulging me. I am an avid journaler and this seems to be taking the spot of that journaling for now….). Yesterday, I woke up with my stomach in knots. Defeated. Discouraged. Anxious. My mind was racing with all kinds of questions, all kinds of ideas. Do I text our boat broker? Do I text our property manager? Research AirBnB’s in Bahamas? How much does an around-the-world plane ticket cost? Across the country train tickets? What if we travelled around and stayed in hostels? As my friend Cayla would say, I needed to “let my glitter settle.” By mid-day, Steve and I were touching base a lot on how we were doing. He asked me which way I was leaning. I said I am truly 50/50 at this point. He said he was definitely leaning a certain way but that he was in a bad place and needed to let that pass. At lunch, we talked to the kids and had a big discussion. We made sure that they were fully in-the-know on everything that is happening—what parts we need, how long it could be to get the engine fixed (anywhere from a week to 4-6 weeks), etc. And then we asked them some questions: How is this going for you? We have been living on a boat since December with the exception of the holidays. How has your collective experience been so far? We have asked them these questions before but this time the air in the room felt very different for all of us.

The kids blew us away with their responses. If nothing else, it showed Steve and I that while they have always been incredible kids, they have already grown leaps and bounds from this experience. Back in December, Sid was really struggling. Again, not my story to tell, but he was struggling. Yesterday, he said that if we quit now he would always wonder. He wants to keep going. The ideas he had on what he wants to do all had to do with boats, beaches and the Bahamas. Similarly, Addie on our way to the shower yesterday told me that she was a 5.5 out of 10. When I asked her why, in her quintessential Addie upbeat voice she said “well, it sucks that we got stuck. But…we’re all safe and together and we landed in a place where we can walk to a gelato shop and a cheese shop so I’m happy about that.” They are doing really well, considering the circumstances. Steve and I couldn’t be prouder of them.

What I took from our discussion was that all of us love the idea of movement and travel together. Our favorite times on this trip have been times when we are having fun together, hanging out with the new friends we have met along the way or when we are exploring new places, restaurants or trying new things. None of us are ready to go back to St. Louis yet. We intentionally created this time and space for our family. Let’s use this opportunity wisely even if it looks different than we thought it would. Our goals are unchanged. The vehicle (literally and figuratively) that we use to make those goals come alive might shift….or it might not.

I felt infinitely better after that conversation. I didn’t realize how anxious I was of their potential reactions. I had no idea if they were going to say “yup…let’s sell the boat and go home. This has been awful. We’re done.” Or anger: “you pulled us out of school and away from family and friends and THIS is what we did??!?!” Or sadness: “we have to do the boat thing….!” It was none of that (at least in the moment—there’s still time :-). It was curiosity, wonder and reflection. A logical sizing up of what we’ve done so far, our current situation, our options and our goals. I’m realizing at THIS exact moment as I type these stream-of-consciousness thoughts that THAT (!) is one of the life lessons Steve and I want to teach them—to be able to assess life situations and determine a good course of action. THIS very not-at-all-ideal moment is SUCH a rich and fertile opportunity for a life lesson: Sid and Addie, we want you to chase after your dreams. We want you to feel secure enough to take risks…if you want to take them. Not foolish risks but calculated decisions about how you want your life to go. To LIVE your life with intention and not just exist. To find your own paths. We want you to be awake while you’re alive and not just….drift.…from inertia because you made a decision to do something previously. You always have options. Be aware of your situation, assess the pros and cons and then move forward. To self: What an incredible “LIFE!” opportunity this is for your family, Holly!!!!

***

Ironically, while our family discussion was happening we got an email from Coastal Diesel (engine fixing company). The part will be here next Tuesday or Wednesday (translation: Friday or Monday). This is light years from the 4-6 weeks that they had initially floated to us. David and Felica, who worked on a different part of our engine a few weeks ago, will need to drive 2.5 hours to get to us but they are currently writing up a quote.

Steve, Jeremy and I talked about how the timing of Jeremy coming back might not line up. Steve offered the possibility that we continue on without Jeremy. Gulp. Yes….that is a possibility….and that is going to happen at some point very soon. This is just a bit sooner than I had anticipated. I still have a lot of anxiety and a lot to learn.

I then called my parents. I have the best parents ever. They are infinitely supportive, loving and wise. They listened and gave their thoughts in a way that they knew their often dismissive and defiant daughter would hear them. Thanks Mom and Dad. You’re truly the best.

I came away from these two conversations with a renewed spirit. My bucket was definitely fuller than it had been when I woke up. It’s now or never. I need to learn how to sail and the ONLY way I am going to learn is by doing. Experience. I am smart. I am capable. I finally have TIME and an opportunity to learn how to sail. And not only do I have time…now IS the time to do this. Right now! We have a week (actually….in thinking about it, we have as much time as we need….deadlines are an illusion….) to read my sailing books and learn the lines, learn the chart markings, learn the radio, practice docking. I will make learning to sail my job for as long as I need to. And Sid and Addie can learn right along with me. To self: See, Holl! Yet another great life lesson for your kids! On the surface it’s a sailing lesson. But really it’s a lesson about digging deep when things get hard, overcoming fears and obstacles and learning new things. You and Steve will teach them that. We’ve got this. You can teach Addie about the Civil War later. THIS is the life learning stuff…! THIS IS WHY YOU’RE DOING THIS!

Flashback: When I was in AmeriCorps and lived in Charleston, SC, I would have to drive across the old Cooper River Bridge. It was so narrow and looked like it was about to fall apart (It doesn’t exist anymore because….you know…it was about to fall apart). I remember HATING that bridge when I first got there. White-knuckling and sweating the entire time and just staring at the car in front of me praying I would get across safely. Yet, by the time I left Charleston two years later, it was hands-down my favorite bridge of all time and I drove over it anytime I could. Sailing is my new Cooper River Bridge. How ironic that we will literally sail through the spirit of the Cooper River Bridge when we get to Charleston. Feels a bit like a baptism. (Okay, dear reader, sorry…I know this is getting weird. Just realizing that this is probably a sign from God/the Universe. And this is how I work….thanks for sticking with me.)

Learning new things: We’ve become expert dish washers. Last night, the kids completely took over dish duty. Was so cute to see them working together like this.

*Deep breath* So….Steve, correct me if I’m wrong. As per our conversation yesterday, the plan is for me to study and learn. For the kids to study and learn. And then when the engine is fixed, we will take her out for a few spins to test the engine. For me to do my “doughnuts” with Layla and learn more about how she works. Is that right?

(Steve, yes, I am actually asking you to respond here with real typing:)

Steve’s response: Yes. That is correct.

After we’re comfortable, then our plan is to sail to Charleston. And then see how that goes, yes?

Steve’s response: Assuming step one went well, yes.

Now…this learning to sail thing is just one hurdle (and one that we, of course, already knew about. Duh.) Things are still going to break. We will consistently assess as we go. If the burden on you, Steve, becomes too much, we will pivot, yes? You promise you’ll tell me if it gets to be too much? Are you up for a bit more of this or are you already done?

Steve’s response: Yes. I’ll try. Yeessss….

**Holly jumping in here to clarify that Steve’s “Yeessss….” is a hesitant and tired, but willing “yes.” (I had to clarify with him myself.)

Steve, is there anything else you want to say at this point? To me or anyone else reading this?

Steve’s response: Nope. (except that).

**Holly jumping in here to clarify that Steve’s “except that” refers to the “nope.”

***

Right now, we’re sitting at the dock, gently rocking back and forth. Jeremy left for home a few minutes ago (fingers crossed for him and his love story!). The kids are still sleeping and it’s time for me to break out my sailing books. Even though it’s 29 degrees outside, I have a feeling we might go get some gelato later. The kids started an ice cream fund four years ago and I think it’s about time we take that fund for a ride.

Onwards.

Finally, a note to anyone reading this….thanks for all of the outreach. Truly. I feel buoyed (ha) from your messages of support and love. Thank you and big hugs to all of you.

PS - Just got a text from Jeremy. Things are looking good for that guy. :-)

Just before Jeremy left this morning.