2/11/25 - Blah.
There is clean laundry on the table. Steve is sleeping because he has a headache. The kids are playing video games together in Addie’s room because we finally finished homeschool by 1:30 today, a great improvement over the 4:30 stop times we’ve had for the last few days. The seemingly endless pile of dishes is in the sink. I am sick of myself.
This is hard. Really hard. The logical side of my brain is thinking “of course this is hard. You knew it was going to be hard.” And it is. Arguably, it’s an objective recipe for disaster:
Start with four distinct individuals who all have their own unique needs and wants. Put them in a super small space. Take away all routines, all normalcy, all physical contact with friends and family. Make it cold and rainy. Add in countless big and small disappointments. Push back the departure date several times. Make simple tasks 10x harder.
At this moment, and for the past day or two, I am rethinking everything, questioning everything. We haven’t even left the dock. Literally. We are still here at our dock in NC. My thought is that once we get moving things will get….better. Not easier, but better. I’m still intimidated by so many things that lie in front of us. Right now, we’re at a dock—we have relatively easy access to showers, laundry, food, etc. Soon all of that will go away. And I’m scared. If it’s this hard now, then what happens when I sell my car on Thursday? What happens if the dinghy still leaks?
I’m also questioning myself. Our decision to do this. If it doesn’t go well, then what? Do we quit? At what point do you quit? It’s certainly not yet. That’s like running 26.1 miles of a marathon and then turning around because you’re tired. And yet….there is no finish line. There is no “we made it! yay!” train station that we’ll pull into. The moment to keep going or to turn back is ever-present.
I’m wondering if I’m tough enough, smart enough, a good enough parent. My emotions are getting the best of me right now (and it’s cold and rainy and gloomy…which certainly doesn’t help).
I have this vision of our family thriving in this life. Of us overcoming all sorts of obstacles and coming out closer, stronger, grittier, more grateful, more tolerant, healthier. I know that growth is painful. And I know that we are growing….and that this time is, indeed, painful. I’ve heard sailing friends say “embrace the suck.” I guess this is what we need to do right now. I’ve heard them say that the first three months are the worst and the first year is really tough.
So….how far do we take this idea? Not sure. I’m just not sure.
*deep breath* Okay….time to button this up and move forward. I’ve been through tough transitions before. I’ve had all of these emotions, all of this questioning before. This is my pattern. I can do this. We can do this. I need to fold the laundry, do those dishes, organize some of the spaces in the boat and then take a walk and change up the energy.
*deep breath*
*deep breath*
*deep breath*
One step at a time….